iSPEAK

Aspire to Inspire: xxxdesigns

2012-01-03T03:03:00.000-08:00

"This is xxxs (Year of the X) promo 2012" from Chris Egan Roxas (xxxs designs) on Vimeo.

The Birth

2011-12-31T14:32:00.000-08:00

born circa 01.2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-12-31T01:54:00.000-08:00

iSpeak

2011-10-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

iSpeak

with purple streaks of joy

and scarlet red of pain

iSpeak

of dreams and curiosity,

of colors and hope

Our Warm & Silent Symmetry

2011-10-26T14:17:00.001-07:00

I was wondering a day ago if you are okay and sometimes it pains me to no end that I would never be able to ask you that as I would have because the feelings still scare me. This I pray though: that you may find the Love which you seek and be blessed with the Peace that you so desire.

Higher Window by Josh Groban

Spell

2011-10-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

Your whole life you'll always be saying goodbye.
Don't let that keep you from loving.

The couch was warm and generous as I watched two bodies lost in a conversation and visceral hunger, t'was a story of longing and sorts, then I drifted to sleep. The clicking of the fan and an empty screen woke me up from the edge of sleep filled with random pictures of memories so fleeting. The credits have rolled with a dash of a Spanish sonata and the movie has ended.

Three months on the same day, the 10th... I may not be able to say it like I would have wanted but know that I still do. Maybe I'll just keep it at that.

I never turned into a whore like I thought I would.

Life has been kind.

Spell
Marie Digby

About LOVE and what matters

2011-10-08T06:00:00.000-07:00

How to Tell if Somebody Loves You

Ryan OConnell

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! I like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.

Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.

Next to You

2011-10-06T02:06:00.000-07:00

A Cup

2011-09-04T04:18:00.000-07:00

Realize

2011-08-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

Rain

2011-07-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

Walking past an empty avenue where street lamps and neon lights cast a harsh glow, one lonely rainy night and yes the moon never came. It was as sad and lifeless as I stood there motionless waiting, gasping for air hoping that in my mindless reverie the rain would be a distraction and beat me to obedience and shudder. I was the stubborn one, unwavering to a point of annoyance, waiting to be finally understood. So there I was... numb, almost lifeless if not for breathing. Soaking in the pittance of rain, feigning a smile while the rain tasted like tears as they fell from my eyes. I turned around with my hands in my pocket searching for the comfort in the ragged edges of the key to a home just beyond the corner of my imaginings, I cant always run away...

Warm Hugs

2011-07-26T19:26:00.000-07:00

Erased and Paraphrased

2011-05-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

Missing You by John Waite

Silent thoughts of sadness crept-in as I realized that I am alone... not that I wanted to, but it seemed to be the most sane idea of a compromise that I can figure out. To sit alone with my thoughts as I stare at my screen knowing I have other things to do for the day.

My mind wanders off to distant memories and text messages I used to send knowing that you'd somehow send something in return... days when I shared breakfasts and thoughts with you. Not that I wouldn't want to do it all over again but it scares me now that I don't know if you'd appreciate the meaningless exchange of nothings of the now turned empty conversations which has become always cautious. If I were to dream and wish something this very moment... it would be that you'd hold my hands in silence making me understand what I meant to you, if at all.

I remembered how you made me cry for something as crazy as your asthma attack and how you forced me to wear those headphones just so I wont hear how bad the wheezing turned out. That made me feel that cared enough to shield me from my fear and I miss that moment because now I am starting to not know you anymore from that distant and fading memory.

I remembered how you recalled the happiest moment we ever had, you said was the time I had to cuddle and rest my head on your chest... the first embrace, the time that you and I decided just to be in that moment together. Remembering the rhythm of your heart in each waking moment I curl my self to sleep... perhaps to dream of that moment once more--in the comfort of your arms I'd chase my nightmares away.

Now, I look at my phone and scroll down in search of your name and opening an inbox of yesterdays while I shared breakfast with my spoon and fork--mindlessly chewing my thoughts. Hesitating, if I'd send the message I just composed out of whim just to let you know what I was thinking... I had to read it once over, erased and paraphrased until I ended up with not a single word and finally deciding not to send it at all. My fingers weed through my inbox as it used to be filled with messages of you but now... I wonder why I kept this phone when I can just get a cheap alarm clock.

As I write in search of that period to end this mindless reverie, I can't help my eyes as they tear up... I thought, just a hopeful sigh of a thought... how happy I was. I wanted you to be happy regardless if it meant without me in it. I just want to hear you laugh honestly again and smile as carefree as your grin. Shamefully I want to be happy too. If only we could just be happy again... together.

Then I pressed send. The message flew across but I don't know if you got it or not... or whether it even mattered.

Promises

2011-05-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

If you were to promise yourself something you have to keep it no matter what...

photo by: Vassilis Tangoulis

HEART

2011-05-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

If It Kills Me Jason Mraz

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

Colored Hands

2011-04-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Let Go YOSHIKA feat m-flo

My calloused hands are soiled of ocre and sunshine with a tears of blood trying to hide behind the green curtain of uncertainty. A secret union of colors almost forgotten and faded stuck somewhere in the corner of my mind, I keep like a stash of stardust for the rainy days. My hands out-stretched and I let go.

Someday

2011-04-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Oasis - Champaign Super Nova

NUMB

2011-04-24T02:54:00.000-07:00

Torley- Kingdom Hears (Piano Passion)

I was reading through the neglected stack of books that have been standing by the doorway waiting to be rediscovered... just by corner of my room. From one book to another I philandered like a restless whore. As I turn from pages to pages wandering aimlessly the words jump out like travelers from distant past and all I can make out of them are gibberish, an almost stutter of a pantomime.

Phrases were marching along with question marks and colorful exclamation points peppered with commas and periods in between. I couldn't understand them and I feel numb.

I was hoping the books would amuse me. Silently I feel dumb.

art courtesy of layoutsparks

Words

2011-04-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

Come on Get Higher
Matt Nathanson

Its difficult when I can no longer say what I really mean because the knowing has scarred me. To deal with my thoughts, I suffocate but I try to breathe. Gasping for moments, cautiously and silently listening to my heartbeat.

When spoken words are scarce and silence abound, music hopefully fills in for whatever is lost in translation. Me thinks, when you miss someone, you don't miss them in parts. You miss everything about them.

Strings of thoughts and melodies woven by longing so great that it hurts. When "missing" becomes "longing". And when words become kisses... I ache.

TOUCH

2011-04-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

Any Other World
MIKA

Touch, calloused, smooth and tentative. Holding, no... almost groping, wanting to feel the warmth of your skin as I drunk the scent of your silence. No words can escape the thoughts of my lingering hands as I run my fingers across like moist kisses on abandon tracing the contours of your body with each fingers craving and longing.

To touch, to be held in comfort.

Photo courtesy of: Beam Consumido

Letter

2011-04-19T01:19:00.000-07:00

PARACHUTE
Sean Lennon

Four years back someone sent me this note:

"I just want to leave this message in case that you are ready to read the messages that I sent you offline..."

"Love is a part of us all that we choose to give and no one can force us to love. I can't blame and force you to love me like I wanted you too. But remember that someone out there... someone will love you like no other; your parents, siblings, friends and those that stay in the shadows hoping the best for you. They hurt as well when you hurt but we have to show a brave face to let you know that we are around no matter what."

"In those moments you thought you were alone, you never were. You have been loved. Yes, we all hurt, then we heal, then we reach out, we believe and then we love again. This time around may it be a lesson: we meet people half way, we don't go changing for someone,we retain who we are."

"And if the Love that we are looking for comes around the bend we try to be the right person because there is never the Right Person."

"We make things happen... everything is but a choice. Love is not taught, love comes with no introductions. So never say you'd never love again because you know deep inside you would and one day that LOVE would be true."

Why the hell am I posting this for? Relevance, I guess.
You know you love me. ;o)

Distant

2011-04-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

You were staring at that distant wall where waves crash and take its turn. On that horizon you were looking for something or maybe waiting for someone...either which I do not know. I too was lost in the waves scanning the horizon as far as my blind eyes can take me.

I was secretly hoping you'd turn around and see me there, or perhaps notice that I see you--so you would stop searching. I was asking the waves to bring me your eyes so I can see what my blind eyes can not. Alas, the waves can only kiss the sand and go back to where-ever it came from. It too can not help me see nor cheat what your private thoughts confess.

And then you turned around and walked away.

-----
I stood there staring at the distant wall where waves crash and take its turn. I was waiting for you to say something and turn your gaze towards me. You seem lost as I am, but you just stood there. I had to turn and walk away.

-----
I saw them from a distance. They were watching the tides roll towards the evening sky. From where I am, I can see him looking over his shoulder and his eyes where filled with words his mouth can not say... then he looked up as if in prayer. And then I realized... they were just a breath apart, but not one nor the other could reach out and take that chance. Later did I realize they were alone.

I stood there as I am.

I AM REASON ENOUGH

2011-04-17T03:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up thinking...today I will remember.

For whatever its worth, I am reason enough. A good friend once told me over coffee, "You use to hit the gym, right?" Me says, "Yeah, that was way back." "What happened?", he asked. "Don't really have any more reason to." He blurted,"YOURSELF, is reason enough."

And I could not agree more.

Getting lost can help you find yourself. Don't be afraid to let go. Don't be scared of the uncertain and the unknown... all of them are worth discovering. In the moment of your grief and sadness, I pray you take a pocketful of sunshine filled to the brim with happy memories. Just hold to those memories and remember the warmth because those memories you can keep forever. People change and leave you behind with question marks and scars in between but always remember: Other than those that matter, YOURSELF is always reason enough.

When you are sad remember, today is a new day. Memories are waiting to be created, smile more often, laugh and be carefree because at the end of the day YOU are reason enough to be happy. Celebrate life, there is a lot of time to be dead later on.

Heres to life. Take that plunge... Cheers!

KAHIT WALANG SABIHIN

2011-04-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

I am not really a fan of IMMORTAL but when Rico posted this on his wall on a social site I figured this song is just genius. The lyrics well crafted and haunting. The video was well directed by no other than Richard V. Somes. Over-all it had that cryptic-gothic-Rizal-version vampire-esque feel on it.

The lyrics tell so much about a love repressed that even if no words were used to tell its tale, you can feel it pulse through your being--it runs and courses through your veins and it hurts in each heaving breath. Even on the whole pretend that we don't care enough because we are hurting... deep inside we long for that moment to touch once again the warmth of the skin that has consumed you with longing.

Sigh...

Listen to it and know what I mean.

Kahit Walang Sabihin
Rico Blanco

Muling Kakagat
Ang Hating Gabi
Magigising
Ang Panaginip
Bawat Mithing Naidlip
Daliang babangon

Kahit walang Sabihin
Maririnig Ang Damdamin
Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman
Sa Ilalim ng Buwan

Muling Haplusin
Apoy ng katawan
Marahang ipikit
Ang iyong kamalayan
Bawat patak ng dugo
Muling aalon

Kahit walang aminin
Madarama sa hangin
Ang Tibok ng Pusong
May Pagibig Ng
Higit Sa walang hanggan

Kahit walang Sabihin
Maririnig Ang Damdamin
Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman
Sa Ilalim ng Buwan

Kahit walang aminin
Madarama sa hangin
Ang Tibok ng Pusong
May Pagibig Ng
Higit Sa walang hanggan

Hanggang

Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman

Lips

2011-04-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Found this article in google and I think this is really interesting. I use to tell someone that each time he gives me that smile I kind of feel like he is up to something. This whole write up made me think of the good times... made me smile in some way. Check the list out, it may help you read your guy's lips.

He’s Smirking
When the corners of a guy’s mouth pull back and up, it can look like a douchey sneer. But surprisingly, it means he wants to smile, but he’s feeling self-conscious. It’s harder for men to show positive emotions, so this mini smile is his “controlled” version of a big grin.

His Pout Is Pursed
He probably has bad news — like he dented your car or can’t make it to your BFF’s party. A scrunched-up pucker and tension around his lips are signs he is struggling to force out the words.

He Covers His Mouth With His Palm
Something (you?) is making him nervous! Touching himself is a form of self-soothing, and briefly shielding his lips shows he’s feeling too tongue-tied to speak.

He Bites His Lip
Yeah, baby, he’s hot for you. Chewing is what we do to something yummy, so he’s subconsciously nibbling his lips, imagining putting them on yours.

SOURCES: Body-Language Expert Lillian Glass, Ph.D; Body-Language Expert Audrey Nelson, Ph.D, Co-author of Code Switching: How to Talk So Men Listen

Special Thanks: 102.1 WDOK

Today I...

2011-04-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

Remember
Thoughts, they run
My feet are tired.
I rest.

My eyes are teary
I sleep.
I dream.

I wish...

How to be Alone

2011-04-12T15:00:00.000-07:00

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

By: Tanya Davis

Sigh...

Porn Kiss

2011-04-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

How does this make you feel?

Someone sent me this, so what do you think? Don't be shy... lets keep it real. Porn is suppose to turn you on. But is there ever a point when it doesn't help? Is there ever a moment that when you see this, you see a picture of that person you wish was beside you reading this waste of a blog? When you see something as graphic as this, does it makes you cry and long for that someone special?

I find this kiss erotic, so full of longing. The desire to taste is evident, the need is so graphically portrayed in its most visceral form--a kiss... a PORN KISS.

Kiss that person you wish to and not regret. Its our only way of telling what words can never say right. Just go and kiss that special someone.

Mo(a)nday

2011-04-11T02:42:00.000-07:00

Oh well... how is a Monday like for me:

1. Meetings
2. Bosses either nag, pull my legs, or disregard me (the latter I prefer)
3. Time is so fast I can barely concentrate
4. Manic as it already is, coffee needs multiple refills
5. After a Monday's work a Man can help ease things out and chill (LOL)
6. Beer comes after
7. Draining but its a good jump-start for the week, normally ends on a Wednesday (I work on weekends, looser.)
8. Time to deal with last week's data (this can come as a shock or a relief)
9. Time of the week where bitch mode activates
10. Fake smile gets glued on the face with a dumb eyes nodding in agreement
11. Secretly hoping that I can just leave work earlier without people noticing
12. Monday's like a box you just have to get out
13. Its just another day in a week that gets me nearer to the next one
14. Monday sucks like every other day (smirk)
15. You guessed it! Its pointless to define Monday when you have to rush to work like... right now.

This video for you to think about:

When Monday is over, I'd like to disagree more.
Good vibes!

Anything

2011-04-10T01:50:00.000-07:00

When someone asks you to jump. You'd often wonder, why.

There would be a time in your life no matter how sure you are that you wouldn't just jump.

Out of no where you'd say "How high, do you want me to jump?"

I was just sick for a few days... this "thought" just keeps haunting me while Grenade is playing at the background. Sometimes the thought itself makes me want to puke, but I guess there would be people that would come into your life that you would just do almost anything to make them happy. Selfish as I am I never thought I would be like that... but I guess I was.

Squared

2011-04-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

What's a Square

It contains the empty parts from within and without
It makes both empty spaces whole
It's when one defines that each sides are equal
A square is a shape of us... bound from within and without

So what's a Square For?

Honestly
Jackie Boyz

Were a long long way from the people we use to be
And your long way past taking the chance on me
And the shadows of doubt have all faded out
And made it so easy to see

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly
Honestly

I had to confess its all because of you
You showed me how to live in the simple truth
Where else do you go when you know that you know
After everything we've been through

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly
What more could I need but your love and effection that you gave to selflessly
Honestly
Ohhh yeaah
Ohhh

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Eh im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly

Happy Thoughts

2011-04-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

Click Here
Thanks Rik!

Randomness

2011-03-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

Lets Pause on the Drama and check out what's out there.

"Hold It Against Me" - Britney Spears (Sam Tsui Cover)

Jar Of Hearts-Christina Perri (Sam Tsui Cover)

Its not obvious that I am a fan of whatever-Sam-Tsui (although this guy always oversings it, I kind of like it... so much emotion it oozes on the speakers).

I never liked chicken feet, looks gross!

Breadtalk, no talk just eat!

Can you imagine how much butter is in it? Munch... munch... I dunno, ask my tummy.

Green tastes nice sans the puking after.

Soulmates... good read.

Boots in her moment of clarity! :P

The sea never ceases to make me smile however sad I am.

It sparkles like pretty!

Held this gun, it was cold as it was scary.

I figured I still like girls half of the time.

Oh them shoes are sexy or its just the Bacardi talking.

My cup of coffee, too pretty to drink...

That's it for now. Chill <3

Snippets and Thoughts

2011-03-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ever found yourself engrossed by the whole idea that you have lost yourself in the process of thinking about someone who matters to you? Caught yourself teary eyed as you walk past places you both have shared memories and tales of persuasion?

I have.

Life is peppered with bits and pieces of memories that keeps us sane in this insane and pious world. Spiced up with memories that we can always hold on to. Moments that we play over and over again in our minds... a perpetual playback of that one kiss, that one smile, that one phone call and that split second realization that you have found that one person you were looking for all along. It maybe harsh but the truth is... we live by those moments and when people change there is nothing left to do but remember.

I did.

Did you ever think that you were alone on those moments of confusion as you are not sure how come it feels so right when it should be wrong? We all take that chance. I have read it somewhere when one asked, "Did you regret us?" "I miss a lot of things" he said. "But I never did, if I never embraced us... I'd miss you."

I was there.

I figured I needed to build my defenses once more--the one I tore down for you. I can never be needy and pathetic, I can not be naked and vulnerable. I can not let my self get lost in the process of loving nor caring. Surely, now I miss and I cant even say it straight faced. Why? That I don't know because I needed you.

I still do.

Know that in those moments of grief as you lay in bed with your eyes wide open hoping and waiting you would be remembered, you have been. Close your eyes and grab that pillow, cry if you must...

I do.

Trust that in your silence, peace would bring you hope. If they are not able to give you back that love you deserve that doesn't mean they don't care enough but maybe because they just don't know how to.

Be at peace with the love that you give and don't expect anything in return. Do not be afraid to love because you have love to give.

I will.

There maybe tomorrow or the next day after that. The rest of the tale only time can tell.

5:19
Matt Wertz

I Will...

2011-03-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

I have been unfair to myself and to others. To a friend, to a lover and to another. The other day when I woke up, I realized it was just not me. I am starting to loose a friend.

So I have decided to leave for awhile, soon...

To mend broken expectations, inclinations and and to face the fear--that which has consumed the pocket full of sunshine that I once kept for myself.

To be whole again, to be happy for me... and to find the strength and the courage to want that which lasts.

I will...

I will always be sorry... but I will always smile at the thought, whatever it was I will treasure...

I will smile again...

I may not be able to say it again to you, but know this--when you see it in my eyes, you would know it.

To a friend.

Come On Get Higher

Matt Nathanson

Thus, iSpeak.

After the RAIN, iSpeak

2011-02-24T12:31:00.000-08:00

I was here. I never left in the first place. I thought I lost it, but guess what I was just healing, quite a hiatus I must say. A lot has happened since THE RAIN... The story will continue...

I just needed the break, to heal and to smile and learn to appreciate the hum drum of the buzzing crucible of life filled with anecdotes and question marks. It has always been the journey, now I sit down and write. GOD, can we stop and talk awhile.

After the rain, it drizzles down to a whisper... listen for awhile.

Champagne Supernova
Oasis

SEED

2011-02-24T09:53:00.000-08:00

Live Journal Entry circa: May 21st, 2004

view from the outside...

I felt the trickling downpour of the rain, I lay on the soil with my body strewn on the ground naked. I could feel my senses turning numb from the unyielding needle like sensation prickling on my skin--like ice and fire brought down from heaven to burn and to chill me, both at the same time.

It was with natural reaction that I spread my hands above my head concealing my face from the troubled sky, I wanted to hide and seek refuge. But I found no one... I found nothing that could shelter me from this...this...excruciating pain that I feel.

I curled myself in remorse I huddled and cried out loud...but I could not hear my self. I was starting to loose my strength and later I knew I have no other option but to feel the pain and bow myself on the ground humbled by the thought that I knew not how to live.

Drift...

Drift...

Drift...

I opened my eyes tired from shutting them out from the reality, tired of crying out my tears, tired of how it feels. Little by little I stood up on my shaky feet with my eyes staring at the calloused feet I had from the struggle. I stood like a ravished piece of creature left alone on the center of some quite and desolate place. I steadied myself, and with courage I planted my feet on this ground that has kept me since.

I opened my eyes, I breathed, and I lived because... I have to.

LOVE IS

2010-01-05T16:34:00.000-08:00

previously

Ever so often we try and put definition on everything and anything. May it be labels and stereotypes. We need to know, we need to understand and if we are left dumbfounded we seek for meaning till we would sometimes end standing on a dead end.

I have to get a life and yes sir I did. Moved to a dorm which has all the amenities available, all I have to do was pay the rent and sleep on my bed and live among others just like me. And here it all started.

My name is Ian Jericho Cruz and this is my story.

RAIN

I can hear the rain dancing on the window sills as the night creeps in. I have to leave the windows open, to catch a little of the light left from the evening sky. The lights were off and I had to tumble on the sheets, the air was humid so I decide to take my clothes off and in my boxers I lay still.

A warm wave of air touched my face, with a light kiss Jorean touched my lips.

"Hey...", I smiled groggily as I greeted him.

"It rained on me when I got off the train, had to run all the watch to catch a ride from the station", if I can recall he went on his usual comforting drone as he talks about how he got all soggy and wet on the rain.

He slowly took off his long sleeved shirt that clung to his chest like a lover. With on flick he removed his belt off and he got out of his pants. There he stood peeling off his white undershirt and walked around the bed with his black boxer briefs as he peered around the dimly lit room to look for the towel just beside the window.

Its how the wet cotton clings to his arms that made me curl up in bed looking on him like a voyeur.

"Why don't you shower and get off on them clothes before you catch a cold," I droned in on his litany.

"Look at this, its cold outside..." his voice faded some distance as he looks outside the window. I can see the Jorean's silhouette in the dark as he leans on the drawer while looking out.

I had to get off the sheets that tangled me in its embrace. The floor was a bit chilly on my toes as I skipped across the room to embrace him as we watched the evening pass.

"Hey...", that was all he said as he looked across the moonless sky.

He grabbed my hands as I tightened my embrace, I felt his heart beat under my skin. I kissed his shoulders and I can smell the rain on him, the warmth of the towel that slung on his arms was a comfort in the rain.

I shivered as the cold wind blew in and yet I wanted to feel the rain as it falls from the sky. With my left hands outstretched on the open window, I asked you "Why did you have to run in the rain?"

Jorean looked over his shoulders and faced me, and on those eyes I hear silence. I felt his breath touch my face once more and with a sinful kiss he sealed the words in me.

He lays there sleeping just one breath away, but that night I felt that a distant wall was building up between us. It was a scary thought but maybe, just maybe it was just the rain that I hear singing outside.

Priscilla Ahn - Rain

to be continued

LOVE IS

2010-01-01T17:14:00.000-08:00

Coffee in one hand, eyes dazed and empty, the car horn just blaring on me.

This has been me for the past few days after Joreon closed the door and left his key by the bed and his things are gone, all of them. I have been asking myself all this time as I try to wake my senses with a scalding hot coffee at hand, why? I could not even hear my self think much less give a care what has been happening around lately. How could I? I do not have the will to move on. I gave him all and now I am... alone.

"GET OFF THE ROAD ALREADY!"

I stood there motionless for a second and I realized am still standing in front of a car while the rest of the pedestrians have already crossed the road. "Wait, I am going okay!" I muttered to myself and dragged my ass across the road.

When I turned 23 I finally decided to move out of my parents house to become who I thought I should be. Moved across cities to settle down on the Metro. Found myself a place, and for one whole year I settled with nothing much going on in my life. Work, work and work some more. And we all know where this would lead.

I have to get a life and yes sir I did. Moved to a dorm which has all the amenities available, all I have to do was pay the rent and sleep on my bed and live among others just like me. And here it all started.

My name is Ian Jericho Cruz
and this is
my story.

to be continued...

Ingrid Michaelson: Little Romance

Year Ender

2009-12-30T02:22:00.000-08:00

For the last 2months, things are on a fast track for me when it comes to relationships or lets just say, my need to have a relationship. I took a risk once more which made me realize that, I should date a bit more and look for that right person.

Alas, it was too late when I realized that finding the right person is not like waiting for a cab in some corner. Finding the right person is like ham and egg, like the chicken you involve yourself and like the pig you have to commit and make it work.

On the next scene: I am much thankful for all the people I met, friends that I knew and experiences that I have mastered. The pains I went trough, and the roller-coaster ride was nothing short of living a young life. As the year turns over, another page opens and I start to pen, who I am becoming.

Thus, iSpeak.

maybe yes... maybe no... I DUNNO!

2009-11-12T01:38:00.000-08:00

I dunno!

That was all that I said, excuse me while I kill myself.
Pathetic ain't it... yes it is .

Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons, you should have mastered a long time ago. But I was stubborn. Me thought I can make it on my own, look at me now. I am left with just plain nothing, just nothing.

On a lighter note, although I so love chuvaness and bryanboy I think I like too much of so many, I guess by December I have to create a direction for this page. It dawned to me that this is just a waste of internet space. I am not sure which road am going to take, but definitely this time around I have to go BOHEMIAN (make a guess...)

For now enjoy LADY GAGA's BAD ROMANCE or just go drop dead.

an overeaching attempt...

2009-10-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

continued from
ON BORROWED WINGS

Francis and LloHan are both working at the Art Gallery of Barcelona. LloHan was a curator and Francis was a critique and they have been working there together for almost nine months now. It was the 6th of September 2001 since he was taken in by the Artes Galería de Barcelona after a year of serving as a junior curator in one of the prominent museums of Paris. Francis was a very amicable guy and a heavy smoker.

On LloHan’s first day he was quite nervous that at the very first chance to get a breather, he went out to the park just a walk across the street outside the gallery. There he noticed this lanky guy who was quite a good looking mestizo smoking a filtered cigarette, he was looking at LloHan with an amused look. LloHan who noticed his pin on the left lapel recognized him as one of his co-employees. Smiling back in recognition he walked towards the bench facing a sculpture of bronze, an Aztec priestess standing with an ornate robe and on her outstretched arms as in offering lays a shallow dish with which they burn incense.

‘Hey, it’s your first day huh…?’ Francis asked.
‘You bet … it is.’ LloHan answered fumbling with his hands inside his pocket.
Francis took out a packet of cigarette from inside his vest and offered some to LloHan.
‘I really don’t smoke but I guess I can use some right now.” LloHan retorted. Francis handed him his packet of green Phillip Morris and LloHan was right it was the filtered type.

He took one and handed back the packet and Francis gave him his cigarillo to light his and placed the packet of PM inside his vest pocket and extended his right hand and said, ‘Francis del Castillo, I am a critique in the hub.’

‘Lloyd Handrei de la Croix, I was the new curator. I’d be damned I really am nervous.’ LloHan coughed and grinned.

Francis shrugged in an almost aloft manner and laughed in a bellowing baritone. It was an infectious laugh which made LloHan felt at ease. There friendship started with a piece of smoke and LloHan thought he would never smoke again. It was disgusting! It was as if you are chocking your self with air but the difference was it was an air full of shit. But it did help calm him down at that moment, it took his mind of his worries and tried worrying on breathing the shit and coughed out from time to time.

LloHan met Francis’ beau Arian Dominggo, a tall slim figured lady with a well endowed bosoms that LloHan secretly wonder if it was all hers. Since then the pair has been setting up LloHan to meet their lady friends and acquaintances and to Arian and Francis’ disappointment LloHan seems to have very high ideals when it comes to woman. He never gets serious. He had some affairs, and some indiscretions. He was not celibate for that matter. When he messes up with his sex life he never uses his real name and never encourages attachment. He is very religious with using the rubber and typically never returns phone calls. The single females in the staff has been gossiping about his conquests whether there is some truth in the heresy that “he is a sex god” they know not but some are dying to give it a try. Too bad they may never know for it is LloHan’s primary rule not sleep with his co-workers. Would just complicate things, he would say. At the prime of his youth he does not want to commit and to be tied down—though he had few encounters of being tied on the bed posts.

As he reached his flat this was near the corner of San Filipe three blocks from the Catedral de Barcelona, just another ten-minute walk to the museum, the bells are tolling for the evening novena. He clicked the lock and went in, checked his voicemail and went to his office and checked his e-mail. Went to the kitchen took out the Tropicana Orange Juice from his elegant cabinet type refrigerator and took a swig. He had quite a taste in his furnishings and his kitchen was clean, like a torn page from a magazine. Black granite counter tops red cabinets; the scheme was very bachelor and sophisticated. He paraded to his bedroom with the tetra pack on his left hand switched on the lights on top of his bed hangs a mural 34x26 by Joan Miró. He is leaving in the modest No.43 2nd Flat of the Casa Batlló, an apartment which was designed by the famous Antoni Gaudí, a work of art. How predictable, a man who works at the Artes Gallería de Barcelona inhabits a work of art. He stripped and turned on the shower left the juice in front of the mirror by the sink and dumped his trousers and shirt on the laundry basket. He went in and closed the frosted glass panel in the shower compartment and soaked under the cascading cold water and let the salty water that had dried on his skin to wash off. He prepared himself for yet another date but this time it is quite different, it’s some tea on a Café Andalucia in the grand boulevard of Passeig de Gràcia and maybe dinner afterwards. After that, he really doesn’t know. He just hope it would not be that boring.

Andrei Abbot is a struggling artist and an eclectic savant of the art, whose first exhibit is two-weeks away and is still short of six pieces for the 13-piece art show. He is in deep thought trying to feel something that could inspire him. He is standing in front of his window on the third story of a four-storey apartment that he has leased since moving out of his parents house four years since. Each flat is occupied separately and the bottom flat was a bookstore owned by a widow, Senyora Ambrocia del Salvador who lives at the top flat with his son.

to be continued...

After the Flood

2009-10-04T23:31:00.000-07:00

After the devastation of Ondoy (KETSANA), we are left with what... nothing.

We start from the ground up. We get ourselves together and clean up, and hope for the better.

Although we have been washed empty of frills and left struggling to cope and regain the life we have had.

We are still thankful that beyond the horror, we have learned to shred our pretensions and social divide to huddle-up our humanity and contribute. The rest of us who haves survived can learn, understand and regain our life amidst the loss that Ondoy has brought and grieve for the loss of those that perished.

Ondoy has left... right after the flood we have to rebuild. We survived.

Anna Maria M. Gonzales: Ondoy's Reminders

2009-09-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

I have never had the energy to write something new with in the past few days, the flood is just terrible but I am still thankful in so many ways. I saw an article reposted on Facebook, that a friend shared and found it really interesting and an informative read. Anna thanks for this piece, it deserves to be read by everyone.

One of our fundamental planning problems is that most of what we now use as residential areas in Metro Manila were parts of floodplains and riverbeds. Subdivision were built on former wetlands, rivers & creeks "forced" to become straight, or cemented over to become roads, or to create more sellable space.

People cement over open spaces & natural vegetation, destroying the earth's capacity to drain storm water naturally.Simply put, we are just mostly in the way of the natural landscape processes in our very fragile and geologically young archipelago.

Flooding is a natural landscape process. Floods bring nutrients to ecosystems along waterways and make it possible for various forms of life to thrive.

Problems start when settlements sprout on floodplains, or when people insist on tampering with the natural shapes of rivers and tributaries. Builders insist on making water travel in a straight line instead of slowing it down by following the river's natural curves.

When we cover up the earth with cement, it loses its ability to absorb the water that naturally comes from the sky. It is not only trees that will help us prevent floods; water run-off is also absorbed by the various types of indigenous vegetation, like grass and shrubs that naturally occur along riverbanks.

Typhoon Ondoy is a reminder that we've forgotten that rivers have been here before us. It reminds us that we've been remiss with trying to find long-lasting solutions to the problems of our urban settlements. We've simply allowed developers to cover up too many wetlands and cut up too much land.

We've also allowed ourselves to buy into their concept of development and be seduced by the idea of the "house & lot" dream home.

This dream only made our cities sprawl out, and obliterated natural waterways with the roads that had to lead to them. These very roads made us buy cars so that we could get to our homes out there. This increased pollution, carbon emissions and caused more roads to be built. Subdivisions near the hinterland, and in former agricultural lands or wetlands, displaced rural people, and increased land prices.

The images from the aftermath of Ondoy were very telling: roads turned into rivers, houses submerged by mud, and cars being carried away by currents.

On the other hand, images of people helping one another in this time of crisis were very inspiring and telling of a resilient people.

Perhaps we can harness that community spirit in preventing all this from happening again. We could start by rethinking where we live, and how we live. We could compel the authorities to ensure that those who will tend to settle in marginal land because they want to be near where the jobs are given a chance to live in safer areas.

It may mean the end of the practice of gated communities that tend to be homogeneous and therefore keep the poor out.

It could mean the start of new forms of communities, where rich and poor, middle class and middle poor will have to live right next to each other so that ALL are out of harm's way. It's not yet too late. There will be more generations that will inherit the earth. If we start now, we will be doing our grandchildren a favor.

Gross is an understatement

2009-09-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

This is one of the few shames that the Philippines if facing right now. I would really like to believe that the monies that this Tim Garcia is spending to live a lifestyle and the couture that he has stacked in those Hermes boxes and what not are coming from legitimate family hand downs.

Only those of the Lopez's in the Philippines or maybe of the Hechenova's and some others can actually afford to be this shamelessly grand, but hey this Tim Garcia is not alone in this he is only living the life his father afforded for him right. And his father could be a legend in investments if indeed he was able to amass this in a Philippine government based salary--well maybe if including the hush hush money that this family is accused of.

Well, I don't have sympathy for individuals like this who never have to sweat a dime to live how they deserve. This is a shame and even the word gross is an understatement.

Based on how this interview I can only think:

TIM Garcia, another name of shame for the Philippine conscience, who can only think of luxury as a well deserved family inheritance. Birds of the same father.

image source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-09-11/fashions-night-on-probation/

Daily Finds

2009-09-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

In my usual prowl online these are my daily finds:

I am so looking forward to watching Dorian Gray when it comes out, but of course I would like to read the book first without spending a dime. Try downloading this The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde in mp3 audio format.

Well at times surfing the web can be a tad boring so having music in the back ground helps, personally I hate downloading them cause it only eats byte space in my memory, so why not stream radio station of your choice.

Horoscope are one of the few things that I check in every paper that I read and I like Jonathan Cainer's of the Daily Mail UK or if you don't want it plain and simple you can try binging it and get Horoscope churvahey.

If you wanted to find who had her breast augmented and who has chosen a different nose then you can check out awful plastic surgery.

For fashion it has always been BryanBoy and I always adore Chuvaness.

And of course dear luv get yourself updated in fashion ,subscribe to the ultimate fashion Koran--Vmagazine, send them me love.

Don't you just love this:

"IN MY LIFE"

2009-08-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

Would definitely love to watch this (hopefully not alone), this is a major thing for the Philippine cinema and its backed by a power house cast. This would create ripples in the industry and am waiting...

flirting

2009-08-27T02:05:00.000-07:00

why cant i have someone who would care like i cared

why do i like those that cant like me back
just the regular flirt
that never does anything else but look bummed
and pretend you don't exist

just your regular flirt
pretentious and unreal

What the?

2009-08-15T14:34:00.001-07:00

DARN Internet Services

2009-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

In the Philippines consumers are not really protected by abusive practices of conglomerates example: internet service providers.

They are advertising speeds of "UP TO 2MBPS" and you are requested to sign a contract that you are not given a copy, this is more like a form of coercion that does not give consumers a chance to make a well informed decisions (by law this form of contract never wins, consumers have all the rights--hell fuck yeah).

But hey, is there a government agency that police unfair business practices or misleading adverts? Services that you are paying that are not meeting your needs, what do you do?

Well for me I'd say fuck em! As of the moment I am very upset of how SUN Cellular has been providing their services! I am so changing over if I do not receive a sensible explanation for all the delay and no internet connection for days!

alternate

2009-08-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

after a few days of ruckus from the web caused by the tweeter incident, i have decided now to keep two blogs open at the same time am not sure if i can maintain it but I sure will try.

am still learning the ropes of my wordpress account so in the future you can visit me at http://aikcomo.wordpress.com. just the same level of nonchalance, stupidity and bitchiness but all's good.

am moving out of my place by the end of august and i found this dorm like place somewhere, all amenities provided i just have to bring me ass to the place and the clothes on my back and pay the rent then i would fantabuloush.

but for now am torn by indecision since i am not definite if my brother can hold on his own, this might be a very difficult job to do for an older brother but i hope in the coming years he'd realize that my decision to let him on his own and me not always around can grow him some balls.

we would have to do what we have too, am selling all my stuff at cheap prices (refrigerator, bed, sofa, etc---sensible offers not declined, need to let them all go before the 20th of August) if interested leave a message.

Another Goodbye

2009-08-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

I opened my eyes and squinted as the light from the lamp pierced through. I can hear the beating of my own heart persisting to do its job, rushing blood to my lifeless soul.

Every muscle and bone revolting from the ounce of will and movement, wishing that all this is but a dream. And that this pain is nothing... just another nasty hangover.

I lay here alone, bare and unwilling to live on, protesting to the passions in life. Yet my eyes stayed open and I can see you standing there at the back of my mind. Memories of you etched as you closed the door behind.

Tears well up my soul, you are gone together with the monsoon rain. Flashes of lighting crossed the shadows in my room and suddenly a... click, and the lamp went dead.

I lay here almost lifeless except... I am still alive, my body struggles to live. Motionless, I tucked myself in the darkness waiting for sleep to visit me, perhaps in my dreams I would forget. I had wished but it was never easy, the heartbreak of loosing someone never passes by that fast.

As dawn crept its way across the fields, flashes of you and I tumbled in my memories. I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, hoping to soak the past in the dark. I hugged myself facing the wall, somehow I knew things would be better it always does.

The empty hum of the morning came as the sun caressed my back as I lay here waiting. I cringe of the thought that I have to face the sun alone. I have to gather my wits and make the most of what is left of me.

I stood shakily and gathered broken pieces of me and tried mightily to tear myself from the sheets that comforted me through the night. As I stood myself up the lamp flickered back to life, outside the window everything seems so clean.

The morning dew clinging to the blades of the leaves as it flutters and flaps by the breeze. The sky so blue and the earth basking in the suns glow like lovers beaming from afar. I stood there empty waiting for my tears to spill out but I only stood ... waiting.

Amy Winehouse - (There Is) No Greater Love
Album: Frank
Found at: lilmikesf.blogspot.com

OH...Aint this Grand?

2009-07-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

When I found this on my daily reads at a blog I frequent--cant help but repost it here. I have to share the love. This(video) is how I feel right now, minus the girl in the building across the street. If only I would find that someone... would it ever come?

It would, so they say, when? Maybe now, later or maybe just someday...

Can you?

2009-07-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

If you deny love,

can you deny the longing.

Like answering Life
with a ballpoint pen.

Having ticked all the boxes
never certain as to why.

In the end you hoped
for an eraser on your ballpoint pen.

We all end up
crossing time, looking at the sky.

If you deny longing,
can you deny love?

Christina Aguilera - Hurt
Album: Keeps Gettin' Better-A Decade Of Hits
Found at: www.davidhasselhoff.com

ONE LAST CRY

2009-07-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Here I am yet again; dreamy eyed, tingling spine and a heart that skips a beat every time I see you smile. You make my day, I know how clichéd it is but you really do make me smile. The way you purse your lips that show that subtle naughty grin that would always keep me guessing what is on your mind. Though it is quite futile but the sight of you not carrying the world around your shoulder lifts my spirit high.

I know somehow you’d ask, “Why do you like me?” We’ll that is a question that I have been trying to figure out all this time. We’ll I found several answers that makes sense well at least for me. There is the the bullshit, and the real one. But the thing is I never chose to like you, I just did.

Then I asked myself would this be the last time, would there be no other?

Marina Elali - One Last Cry
Found at: media.trama.com.br

Results: Unknown

2009-07-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

The law of opposites comes to mind--if this is even a coherent claim. But the subject in the opposing polarity does not necessarily repel you, just avoiding any form of contact and limits conversation to a dead-end single sentence or monosyllabic responses.

The quirk on the equation though is that in the absence of anyone else within hearing distance, behavior of subject is quite amiable--almost nullifying previous behavior shown.

Having said all that, I have decided to hermit myself for a week or as deemed necessary and limit point of contact to monosyllabic responses as well.

Outcome: unsatisfactory.

Fast-forward, today I was watching Cowboys and Angels and this line made me realize, well, labels are labels but they don’t change who we are as a person. We are who we are because of the choices we have made.

The conversation between the main characters is very poignant.

"Are you gay?"
-Why do you ask?
...silence
-yes I am, it’s the fashion thing aint it?
"smile… no...its everything."

“I’m not by the way.”
-i figured.
“It’s the hair thing isn’t it?”
-its everything... smile."

Jack Johnson - Better Together
Album: In Between Dreams
Found at: saezien76.free.fr

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT 'EM?

2009-07-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

I simply tried so hard to ignore the feeling, I know it is a one way street.

I know how this ends, I have always been around this bend so many times. I think I am the street, I have become the street.

Coffee in one hand, eyes dazed and empty, the car horn just blaring on me..."GET OFF THE ROAD ALREADY!"

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT 'EM?
lemme know.

playful, i wonder?

amazing contrast yeah? just beautiful

MARCO! muy bien

caliente, si?

pictures courtesy of OZAR MODEL MNGT and Danny Booc

Brooke White-Free
Album: Songs From the Attic
Found at: lawrence.epitunes.com

One Way Street

2009-07-19T04:00:00.000-07:00

One way street of relationships like walking on the road against the flow of traffic, deadly yet exhilarating.

Oftentimes lonely parcel of thoughts blown across the meadow
only reaching me in echo.

A sorry ass laments of mediocre thoughts,
petty and most of the times offensive.

An ebb of hollow sighs, hoping for that better corner of warm lights.
Nothingness caught in the traffic of the one way street.

Hoping and waiting,
then like the thick of the morning mist I gasp for air.

Then, I woke up in tears.
I was on this one way Boulevard all along.

Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Album: American Idiot
Found at: wwwu.hak-vk.at

Not Again

2009-07-17T20:52:00.000-07:00

I don’t know maybe it’s the isolation that I am in prompted me to just tap this alphanumeric tiles, with my letter N just popping out. I yanked it once and its kind of broken that I have to press it really hard to keep it back where it should be.

I am quite bored as you would have guessed; I already have tried reading all the stuff I could manage. I have finished Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe, Robert Goddard’s Set In Stone, Dominick Dunne’s Another City, Not My Own and many others.

I always find solace in reading but our library seems to be if not empty never does exist. Movies is not out of the question, we have quite a collection but I have seen almost all that would make sense, the 2-thumbs up kind of reel and to the foolishly stupid ones. I have seen quite a few of blue movies.

Blah blah blah… nothing interesting really.

Well except that I remember yet another: wishful thinking.

Oftentimes I hate myself for being me, but all of these are my own doing. I made a choice thus I have to face the consequences of the choices I took. Yeah, its sucks to be me.

Had to have Amy sing for me today much love dahlings next time maybe with something better.

P.S: me pussied out on dying my hair maybe I'll take baby steps in going cwazy...

Amy Winehouse-Love is a Loosing Game
Album: Back to Back
Found at: www.studio68.com

RANDOM and continue ON BORROWED WINGS

2009-07-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

Werq... its all pressure if you don't know the buttons, but I would say its never manipulation if you know how to get the results you wanted. Ever felt like you need to clean the mess first before you can study in your room for the big exam. Some of us can function better if we have a cleaner soroundings or maybe a clearer perspective.

Funny how this read (for me), check this one out at http://www.cutehoroscopes.com

and now....

ON BORROWED WINGS

He was in the prime of his youth without a care in the world or so most of the people think when they see him. But through his walk to the beach he has been thinking on what will become of him at twenty-five and what is he looking for in life.

His thoughts had separated him from all the rest that are idly walking on the beach. He didn’t mind or even notice the two giggling girls who were giving him an eyeful; both scantly clad and are bathing in the afternoon glow of the summer sun.

It was a fifteen-minute walk from the beach to his apartment, and on this particular walk as he was now walking on the walk-way stopping a while and putting his sandals on he noticed this mobile of cylinder chimes strategically placed in a single strand of what seems to him a threadlike metal that gleamed in the sun with silver luster. The chimes sounded pleasantly peaceful even in the hustle and bustle of the people coming and going from the beach. It was hanging outside the balcony on the third storey.

From across the walkway to the street which was about ten meters, there is a bookstore painted in fire-truck red and an elaborate metal signage made of copper or bronze in an oval shape was gleaming clean at the corner just above the door to the shop, the metal engraves read Lengua en el Alma. Language of the Soul, it was quite nice looking spot which seems filled with books at the sizable area of the lot and on the second balcony he could hear the chorus of the chimes in the mobile.

The mobile in itself looks like it is going to fall any minute but by equilibrium it seemed to defy gravity and it just hangs there dancing on the breeze. It was a wonderful sight, pleasing to the senses, and a welcome distraction from his deep thought. LloHan has this habit of speaking his thoughts out loud as if talking to himself, but he makes sure no one in earshot hears him otherwise they might think he’s nuts. ‘I have been passing this way but I have never noticed this place, not until now. A bookshop with chimes on top.’ He sighed and smiled to himself. He was thinking of getting in the shop and look around and maybe even ask who owns the chimes on top and maybe where they bought it but decided against it, he still has a date with this lady his friend Francis del Castillo has arranged.

LloHan is really not into blind dates, he thinks he is not that desperate but Francis was insistent that he meet this girl for tea, for he said she was an English expat of notable family. ‘I wonder what a proper English lady is doing on the Spanish shores.’ This thought has raised his curiosity a bar that is why he finally agreed on this date or for tea. He never got used on the idea of drinking soaked aromatic weeds on fancy china. This always hit him as silly.

(to be continued)

CHOCOLATE

2009-07-16T18:04:00.000-07:00

A decadent Old Fashioned Chocolate Cake paired with a refreshing cup of green tea is my guilty pleasure on a rainy Wednesday morning.

A small unassuming place just along the highway, but cozy enough to warm a cold heart that has
shriveled in postponed expectations.

Imagining the reality of it all, decadent soon loss and gone down
the insatiable palate. Washed down by the bitter warmth.

So much for poetry, so much for rain.
Get your fill and savor the bittersweet memories of moments soon
lost and gone.

Just like a decadent Old Fashioned Chocolate Cake on a rainy day.

Fingers Crossed

2009-07-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

Later on today I am going to either make a mess of my hair and end up with a disaster including my eyebrows. But of course I would be an eye to help my friend make some choices to dress and look his age.

Lets keep our fingers crossed and I'd try to posts pics of the differences later on today.

Meanwhile I found these amusing anagrams something of a hot and so now courtesy of Bent Magazine July 2009 issue.

"It’s no secret that language is adapting. Already we have the internet contracting conversations to streams of capital letters and symbols denoting emoticons. But we find it’s not quite adapting fast enough. Here at Bent Towers we have a range of emotions and sentiments we’d love to see expressed in more economical terms. So in order to aid the evolution of the English language (and bitch in a more timely fashion), here are our favourite new anagrams."

And for your gutter thoughts and imagined realities I found this.

Much luv laters.

I was looking all over the net...

2009-07-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

Me and my friend from "Are you thinking what Im thinking?" has decided to make a major reinvention on how we both look, on the outside. Of course the me that I know would really jump into this idea of something new for this quarter but this time I would not be doing it alone. I would really hate for this to look like a disaster of a make over so I decided to scoure the net for advices on the best hair color thats reasonable on our individual skin tone.

This whole idea started when we had lunch and the question as to how old Iz looks like and me saying, dude you look 30ish. This was met with a half wit chuckle and almost weird look of frustration. Well lemme tell you how this 25ish works his swagger. Imagine: glasses, thin hair strands, khaki almost always or perhaps slacks, collared polo or even long sleeves, tuck in with the paternal looking belt, serious tone, very religious and speaks logic. What gives? He said he has adopted the same look his 30 something relatives has.

I still have 3days more before we go crazy in all this. What do you think is the best hair color for a natural black curly hair--if not cwazy kinky hair twirls-- and a tinted hazel brown contacts?

And what are the necessities for a 30ish looking 25 something guy to look his age, ward robe wise?

Betrayal

2009-07-10T17:47:00.000-07:00

Do you betray the many by killing the gossip?

What is there left juicy enough for us to speculate.

Do you close a sentence when you get the answer of a question?
I really am not sure if you lied straight faced, 'cause if you did then you really are good at it.
Is the truth some times, that plain?
It was a waste, I should have guessed better.

Are we that creative when we think of possibilities and what ifs?
Carnal thoughts get the better of us most of the time.

Dissatisfaction and dissent does it mean you can do better?
Well lets talk about something really off, did you know...?
(the gossip continues)

A special Gurl

2009-07-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

Birthdays are like moments of "aha"
Suddenly you realize you are too old
But not old enough not to enjoy life.

Alive enough to remember
how you were like a vegetable
during those "hay" days, but
your way better now, right?

Sometimes we end up with a lot of strife
yet we stand here another year older
than you can remember.

Life is better, tomorrow if not now
but definitely on your birthday
same day today you made this world a different
place.

Smile, cry, laugh and grow old
Birthday or not if you are special to some
you always are.

Sweet, cheezy... you bet, BIATCH!
Happy as you grow old! yeah?

Virginia--the state for Lovers (NOT)

2009-07-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

Me remembered,

As the year 2008 tide over to 2009 I went thru this whole cycle off liking someone like really really much... we remained friends... we saw each other at times then I lost my phone darn should get a new one. Read on if you wish to reminisce with me times that your heart skipped a beat with that thumpa thumpa...

The hard part of really liking someone is not actually in the telling but in finding the perfect words that really say what you mean. Just last 21st of January 2008 I finally told you (sort off) how I felt about you. It was just me being scared that my time would run out, that I would never be able to say how you mean to me. But I guess I did like you, too much I fact that I acted like a fool never able to put my feelings into words. I felt dumb, unable to string words that actually make sense. I was never good at telling that I knew but somehow I felt I have to no matter how senseless, no matter how dumb.

I don’t know, even I can’t explain why I feel the way that I do. I don’t want you to think or even to feel that I am telling you this to get to you, what would hurt me more is that I would loose a friend I had in you. I have always thought of you as a friend first. But I grew fond of you, never realized it would reach the point were it would sting.

I know I told you “trip kita” but that was just way beyond what I actually wanted to tell. But at least now I am not alone, you know as you always have. Don’t run away from me, just stick around maybe somehow I would get over you. I really need to… because it is all wrong. I can’t possibly yearn for someone who is married.

I will never know what is in your mind, but I can feel your warmth you are a good person. I don’t know if it would be fair for me to say that somehow I thought for a moment you were my soul mate that I have been searching all my life. We’ll I guess I will have to keep on searching but somehow I would look back at the times and smile at the thought of you and how you make me smile somehow.

Then I ate just another heart break... move one they said... we'll that's easy for you to say.

Much love dahrlings, for the next time.

Cinemalaya 2009 | "The Gallery" ad

2009-07-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Official ad made for the 5th Cinemalaya Philippine Independent Film Festival. Festival runs at the Cultural Center of the Philippines from July 17-26, 2009.

Is this particular one in the selection? I would love to watch this if it is. It has that quirky vibe on it fun and light. Its shouting looking at art in a different angle. Wacha think?

"Classy things to say when stressed" from closetconundrums

2009-07-08T15:36:00.000-07:00

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
4. "Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
5. "Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"
8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
11. "YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
12. "Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
13. "Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
14. "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
15. "And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
16. "I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
17. "Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
18. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
19. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
20. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
21. "Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
22. "Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
23. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
24. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
25. "I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
26. "Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
27. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
28. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
29. "Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
30. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
31. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
32. "Earth is full. Go home."
33. "Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
34. "I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
35. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
36. "You are depriving some village of an idiot."
37. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

Well these are really cool one liners. They often times crack others up--me thinks. I found these in closetconundrums.com and a few more pics that shows how I feel at this moment.

ON BORROWED WINGS

2009-07-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

(will be posting parts and segments of a fictional work I have in progress open for criticisms)

A borrowed grain of sand in time: to live and to fade in time.

We live our lives just once and what comes next we know not yet. The best we could do is with intentions to learn and understand the reasons why. As we ache to find meaning of our existence let us consider looking beyond the boundaries set by our society. As the pages progress let us remind ourselves of the endless possibility beyond all understanding and social norms. Let us turn our backs on the pious hypocrisy of our times and for once open our minds to the depths of our time and look beyond the face.

That in darkness we may experience the light as with the absence of the sun we shall be able to gaze in wonder of the multitude of stars that lay beyond us.

In our youth, we experience the bliss of knowing to sore heights beyond possibilities, stretching our limits and racing toward our dreams. So let it be, that in our youth we will learn to savor the times that soon will become a part of us all, the memories that we will cling-to, here and to the unknown. As the time of our lives come to that end, let us lay-down the wings that bought us toward the heights and remember the times we have flown on borrowed wings.

It was one of those serene afternoons where the sun is about to set behind the waves just beyond where the eyes could see no more, Lloyd Handrei de la Croix was pacing himself by the beach and every step he takes leaves behind footprints that the waves washes away. LloHan, as his friends call him, enjoys these afternoon-walk. He likes it just at the end of the shore where the sea hugs the sand in eternal abandon with the sand and foaming seawater comes squishing between his toes. He is walking on a barefoot with leather sandals; one in each hand, while the gentle summer breeze is flailing the beige linen trousers he had on which he had cropped up to the middle of his shins and his white cotton T-shirt hugging his chest.

At a distant his thighs where formed in a beautiful silhouette, which with a discerning eye in the light of the setting sun, one could not help but notice he had nothing underneath just the tanned flesh sprinkled with youthful twirls of hair and surprisingly an interesting bulge with which even some of the straight guys would grin at—in the thought of this man’s utter carefree ways. He is the kind guy you would look at but would be too embarrassed to stare whether you are a woman, a man and anyone in between. He was the guy you would want to become or the guy who would make you cum.

He was in the prime of his youth without a care in the world or so most of the people think when they see him. But through his walk to the beach he has been thinking on what will become of him at twenty-five and what is he looking for in life. His thoughts had separated him from all the rest that are idly walking on the beach. He didn’t mind or even notice the two giggling girls who were giving him an eyeful; both scantly clad and are bathing in the afternoon glow of the summer sun. It was a fifteen-minute walk from the beach to his apartment, and on this particular (to be continued)

Old, I feel less worth it

2009-07-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I used to be real, i was living a life sans the worry. I thought way back the world is full of opportunities just waiting to be explored. I was young, I was careless and I used to get what I want when I will myself to.

Have I gone the wrong road, or is this the road less traveled? I was rummaging on old posts from friends in friendsters and I found this one testimonial, I could still remember the pieces of who I once was. For real, I really am not sure what I want to do with my life aside from slaving myself in the corporate world. A job that knows no end, where the demands seems unrealistic and often times torturous.

Is this just angst for not being recognized of all the efforts I have contributed to the work place? Have I always been this kind of person, perhaps but maybe not. Or am I just frustrated of what has come out of my labor or was it really toil?

Who do I want to be?

when love takes over-acoustic version

2009-07-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

KELLY ROWLAND--Amazing yes?

F*ck You---Against Homophobia (brazil edition)

2009-07-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Me thinks so...

does this make you feel TRANSFORMER?

2009-07-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

TRANSPORTATION BRUJAJA I DO NOT OWN THIS PICTURES IT HAS BEEN FORWARDED FROM A FRIEND AND I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE THIS. Creative--no?

Imitation is the highest form of praise!
I was waiting for children waiving about inside this one...

I hope this one has brakes on it.

This one looks like an enemy.

Funny this jazzed-up Baranggay Captain service...hehehehe cool

Oh this is so jeepney only in the Philippines.

This one is innovative.

Taxi... LOL

DISCLAIMER: If any of these photographs are yours leave a message so we can credit you in this page. I love how this was edited.

What do you think?

Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

The world mourns
I never understood why you need the world
Another great that is lost in time
You sought fame and found it
Yet like all, you left all

Its sad the world would have to wonder
Whats life like, some wonders
It moves on, but the song remains
The great of Michael Jackson
No more, I understood

DUCATI--NO.

2009-06-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

I do not know what it is but more often than not we are fooled by what we readily see outside maybe it a person an object or an idea. I see that people show us the image that they create for a reason, so we can never judge them on the basis of impression but usually the later defines our opinion of the person later on in the process of knowing them.

I was astounded by this bike one evening when I was heading out to take something to eat with 2 good friends (IZ and ANA) when we happen to pass by a motorbike that was just about to drive off. And I was not just able to stop myself but explained WOW……. What a nice bike. Me, even thinks it was a Ducati. I was not able to rein my self and really said it again and again maybe the driver was freaked out he donned his helmet and zipped his leather jacket (ohhhh… I was swooning on the bike with the driver already included but LOL the bike really).

He drove off and IZ just laughed out really loud and said that was not for real. I was bummed. IZ told me he used to park next to the bike and lo it was just bits and pieces or maybe just a logo. I was fuming the shit out of my mouth. But I figured, he faked it, so what I have faked a lot of things and most of them are real now.

I fake it till I make it, so what right did I have to fume about the fact that I was disappointed I dished out compliments not looking closely. The truth is I envied his cunning.

I imagine the guy that owned this PIECE OF WORK could have elicited almost the same response that I had on the beginning and I even concluded that the guy was hot irregardless how he looked like 'cus of the bike. Is this response common or is it just me?

my song in life

2009-06-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

SATURN

2009-06-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

as i was looking over the net for interesting commercials i came across this one:

innovative? weird? i do hope GM can revamp just like Saturn's concept. (what ever that means or does that even make sense?)

GM NEWS

2009-06-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

(courtesy of USA TODAY thru PressDisplay)

If Obama was not nominated as president I just doubt if the country would have the same direction it has right now.

Way back, I always had it at the back of my mind that this idea of "LAND OF OPPORTUNITY" for me has always been synonymous to the US.

Going back at least 6 years ago I started to think otherwise concluding that there is no empire that would last forever. I quit my previous job (that has a large product demand mainly in the US) on this premise. I have not regretted the move.

At times we tend to be disillusioned when it comes to stability there is nothing really that constant, as the cliché goes, but change. Of course all of us hope for a positive change but at times sacrifices has to be done, mistakes has to be corrected and the whole process is agonizing much like refining gold by fire.

I am excited in seeing how GM would undergo this change. Lemme keep my fingers crossed.

on the lighter note

2009-06-01T23:22:00.000-07:00

SACHA BARON COHEN'S (Borat)
CROTCH LANDED ON EMINEMS FACE

I am not really sure if it was for real, butt (pun intended) EMINEM looked really pissed....

LOVE THIS PRANK!

A PICTURE OF AN AMERICAN DREAM

2009-06-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

This is just one example of the horrible aftermath of the credit crunch.
It is my opinion that the American Dream's backbone has always been credit.
Credit like it has been handed down from one generation to another providing most the oppurtunity to have a lifestyle borrowed from a bank. I lifestyle that the regular joe can not really afford. I just wonder how this all started?

as good as it gets

2009-05-30T03:04:00.000-07:00

(photo courtesy of the web: author has no intention to infringe property rights or any copyright law)

It can only stay as good as it gets.

Life can sometimes play games on you. Here I am following closely bound to someone who really can't care for me back the way I do, pathetic--yes.

I always have this tendency to like some one who can't like me back. If I later found out that this person might have some inclination to like me, it just puts me off. What am I an idiot, maybe but I sure do hope not.

Should I be sleeping on the same bed, I would love to put my hands around you and kiss the back of your neck. Should you put me off I would feel dejected and unloved. What is this stupid feeling of loving. Is it something we intentionally try to seek although knowing completely well we most of the time end up getting hurt?

Sad, but true. Or am I just closing doors for getting hurt much to often?
Well I try and try I have done, to stay positive and look at the brighter side knowing and learning from each rejection. But I think I have one to many. I most of the time think I deserve to be cynical.

A turn of phrase I waited, it rained... soon it will end. The waiting I hated as we sleep restlessly although the night with my mind wondering will it ever be better. Should I or should I not. I looked up on the face that shares the same pillow as me. Those lips I would so love to kiss, those that I would so love to love. But I dare not for friends we are better off, it makes things less complicated. Yet in the hopes to feel your warmth I cuddled you into my arms and felt the beating of your heart. And in that moment I was not alone I breathed with you...It can only stay good as it gets.

Tomorrow we are a different person. We often times tend to forget moments of closeness like last night, but I can only say this for myself. But when I rouse myself on the morning you were there awake and worried as to what the morning might bring. You are like a kid that has always been sheltered from harm not really knowing what to expect but wanting everything to fall into place. I can not baby sit you... then and there I became another person. I tried to stop myself by indulging you and caressing your back, a gentle massage of care and stolen kisses to the back of your shoulders which you hated me doing but never the less I did after all you asked me to rub your back. I deserved the feel of your back on my lips if not your lips to mine.

Sweet bitterness I know for a moment I might have fallen, but fall I can not. I know someday you'll come along. Just like the song, or is it only in songs that they really do?

TWITTER? HAVE YOU ANY REAL FRIENDS?

2009-05-27T12:29:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOU REALLY? SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? TWITTING--NO.

bi now GAY later

2009-05-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

source: www.outragemag.com

does it really matter all these labels?

SLEEP

2009-05-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

I thought this might help, but still up... so i did something else.

Desiderata

2009-05-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

YES

2009-05-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

I can feel that she ment it? Do you?

I was chatting with a friend of mine JB and here are bits and pieces that I wanted to share.

Me: have you ever asked yourself what would you be leaving behind?
JB: yes, and i know the anwer/s
Me: and what would the major answer be?
JB: the fulfillment of my LIFE PURPOSE nd I may die trying, til the very end
Me: noble
JB: nah... just focused and clear. i just know what i want
Me: that is the exact opposite of me
JB: its the vehicle that will get me there is what we all need to work on each day
let me share with you a very short few lines
Me: is that vehicle ready to zoom past with in the next 5years?
sure
JB: it is easier to hit the bowling pins blindfolded... that hitting a target that is not even there"
take out bowling.. use any game you like
same principle applies
you have the better chance of hitting a target you cant see, than a target
that is not there
Me: so how do you identify what you really want in life?
JB: by always allowing yourself to make mistakes
it is only in trying everything out that you discover certain truths about
yourself that tels you if what you are doing is what you want and within your
real nature bec if it is not, you have to move on
you canot force yoruself to do that which is not in your real nature to do
it always is a trial and error
Me: that makes sense...
i would sleep on that thought

Some times we forget

2009-05-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

This short film made me remember, there are those that are not fortunate enough. What have you done so far?

View this movie at cultureunplugged.com

What are you bitching about? What have you done to help? Me i dunno, lemme try...

What do you think?

2009-05-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

I only frequent 2 blog sites
chuvaness.com
My numero
UNO: bryanboy.com

What blog sites are on your list?

café

2009-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with you nursing a stupidly pricey cup of coffee concoctions, I smile dreamily to myself while hoping that somehow the time I spent with you, you are there with me. On a lazy afternoon I met you and we talked, I mused and I was happy seeing you again after quite some time.

Now that we are here, I try so hard to make you feel you are the only person in my world but I failed terribly for I have this nagging feeling of somehow trying to make you feel a bit jealous. I wanted to know if you cared, if you missed me and if you are here with me because of me. I never can demand much of your time, you have a life and I have mine.

But at this afternoon in a lonely café, we tried to be there for each other at least you did for me. I can see your eyes looking at me trying to tell me something I can never be sure of. You were of a few words but in those words you strike me, a humility that is just beyond me.

I replay in my mind the moment our eyes met, that I tried to hold your gaze but you were stubborn and I have to look away. I cannot bear you to see how I have been waiting for you, aching… longing. I tried to look away and stare bluntly at the others passing idly by the window acting as if I am enamored by that stranger, you followed my gaze and I knew you were thinking—but of what? That I will never know.

I tried to pretend that I don’t need you more than I would a friend—just a friend.

But as I sit back and remember that day, I know in my heart I miss you. And at that time, one thing I am really sure of was that I wanted for you to stay a while and make me feel you felt the same way. But somehow I dread the truth, you have a life I have mine.

We walked out of the café after some time; I basked in your presence and hold on to the moment. Time was constantly tugging on my mind, asking whether what comes next… another wait? Should I let go or should I not?

We lingered on like birds perched on a tree, and I wonder do you ever think of me? You sat there in front of me at another place I love to eat, sitting with your worries we shared a meal. I know by then I am counting minutes and you would fly back to your nest …to your life.

We head out to the cross roads with promises to see each other again at another time… soon. You sent me to the station, you guided me there. We stood by the stairs oblivious of stares I reached out for your hand, held on a little bit more. We shook hands like friends usually do but emotions just flood me. We grasped for time a little bit more with promises for another time. See you soon we said, it was never good bye, never I hope. I head to my station without looking back knowing we’ll meet again.

We flit and we parted, you have a life I have my own.

I remembered looking into your eyes trying hard to understand what it is that you are saying beneath all the worries and all the frustration. I tried so hard and here am trying still… I do love you, I have never felt so sure and I know I hesitate. This is more real that can ever be and it can never be more real than this.