Your whole life you'll always be saying goodbye. 
Don't let that keep you from loving.

The couch was warm and generous as I watched two bodies lost in a conversation and visceral hunger, t'was the story the longing of sorts, then I drifted to sleep. The clicking of the fan and an empty screen woke me up from the edge of sleep filled with random pictures of memories so fleeting.  The credits have rolled with a dash of a Spanish sonata and the movie has ended, I am left thinking  how death would have tasted.

Life has been kind. 

Spell Marie Digby

I am Back

2013 and I am still alive.  The world kept turning and experiences are still brewing in the pot. 

Seek and you shall find.

Thus, iSpeak! Laters...

Aspire to Inspire: xxxdesigns

"This is xxxs (Year of the X) promo 2012" from Chris Egan Roxas (xxxs designs) on Vimeo.

The Birth

 born circa 01.2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR

iSpeak

iSpeak

with purple streaks of joy

and scarlet red of pain

iSpeak 

of dreams and curiosity,

of colors and hope

Our Warm & Silent Symmetry

I was wondering a day ago if you are okay and sometimes it pains me to no end that I would never be able to ask you that as I would have because the feelings still scare me.  This I pray though: that you may find the Love which you seek and be blessed with the Peace that you so desire.

Higher Window by Josh Groban

Spell

Your whole life you'll always be saying goodbye. 
Don't let that keep you from loving.

The couch was warm and generous as I watched two bodies lost in a conversation and visceral hunger, t'was a story of longing and sorts, then I drifted to sleep. The clicking of the fan and an empty screen woke me up from the edge of sleep filled with random pictures of memories so fleeting.  The credits have rolled with a dash of a Spanish sonata and the movie has ended.

Three months on the same day, the 10th... I may not be able to say it like I would have wanted but know that I still do. Maybe I'll just keep it at that. 

I never turned into a whore like I thought I would.

Life has been kind. 

Spell 
Marie Digby

About LOVE and what matters

How to Tell if Somebody Loves You 

Ryan OConnell

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! I like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.

Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.

Next to You

A Cup

Realize

Rain

Walking past an empty avenue where street lamps and neon lights cast a harsh glow, one lonely rainy night  and yes the moon never came.  It was as sad and lifeless  as I stood there motionless waiting, gasping for air hoping that in my mindless reverie the rain would be a distraction and beat  me to obedience and shudder. I was the stubborn one, unwavering to a point of annoyance, waiting to be finally understood.  So there I was... numb, almost lifeless if not for breathing.  Soaking in the pittance of rain, feigning a smile while the rain tasted like tears as they fell from my eyes.  I turned around with my hands in my pocket searching for the comfort in the ragged edges of the key to a home just beyond the corner of my imaginings, I cant always run away...

Warm Hugs

Erased and Paraphrased

Missing You by John Waite

Silent thoughts of sadness crept-in as I realized that I am alone... not that I wanted to, but it seemed to be the most sane idea of a compromise that I can figure out.  To sit alone with my thoughts as I stare at my screen knowing I have other things to do for the day.

My mind wanders off to distant memories and text messages I used to send knowing that you'd somehow send something in return... days when I shared breakfasts and thoughts with you.  Not that I wouldn't want to do it all over again but it scares me now that I don't know if you'd appreciate the meaningless exchange of nothings of the now turned empty conversations which has become always cautious.  If I were to dream and wish something this very moment... it would be that you'd hold my hands in silence making me understand what I meant to you, if at all.

I remembered how you made me cry for something as crazy as your asthma attack and how you forced me to wear those headphones just so I wont hear how bad the wheezing turned out.  That made me feel that cared enough to shield me from my fear and I miss that moment because now I am starting to not know you anymore from that distant and fading memory.

I remembered how you recalled the happiest moment we ever had, you said was the time I had to cuddle and rest my head on your chest... the first embrace, the time that you and I decided just to be in that moment together.  Remembering the rhythm of your heart in each waking moment I curl my self to sleep... perhaps to dream of that moment once more--in the comfort of your arms I'd chase my nightmares away.

Now, I look at my phone and scroll down in search of your name and opening an inbox of yesterdays while I shared breakfast with my spoon and fork--mindlessly chewing my thoughts.  Hesitating, if I'd send the message I just composed out of whim just to let you know what I was thinking... I had to read it once over, erased and paraphrased until I ended up with not a single word and finally deciding not to send it at all.  My fingers weed through my inbox as it used to be filled with messages of you but now... I wonder why I kept this phone when I can just get a cheap alarm clock.

As I write in search of that period to end this mindless reverie, I can't help my eyes as they tear up... I thought, just a hopeful sigh of a thought... how happy I was.  I wanted you to be happy regardless if it meant without me in it.  I just want to hear you laugh honestly again and smile as carefree as your grin.  Shamefully I want to be happy too.  If only we could just be happy again... together.

Then I pressed send.  The message flew across but I don't know if you got it or not... or whether it even mattered.

Promises

If you were to promise yourself something you have to keep it no matter what...

                                                                                                  photo by: Vassilis Tangoulis

HEART

If It Kills Me Jason Mraz  

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

Colored Hands

Let Go  YOSHIKA feat m-flo

 

My calloused hands are soiled of ocre and sunshine with a tears of blood trying to hide behind the green curtain of uncertainty. A secret union of colors almost forgotten and faded stuck somewhere in the corner of my mind, I keep like a stash of stardust for the rainy days. My hands out-stretched and I let go.

Someday

Oasis - Champaign Super Nova

NUMB

Torley- Kingdom Hears (Piano Passion)

I was reading through the neglected stack of books that have been standing by the doorway waiting to be rediscovered... just by corner of my room.  From one book to another I philandered like a restless whore.   As I turn from pages to pages wandering aimlessly the words jump out like travelers from distant past and all I can make out of them are gibberish, an almost stutter of a pantomime.

Phrases were marching along with question marks and colorful exclamation points peppered with commas and periods in between.  I couldn't understand them and I feel numb.

I was hoping the books would amuse me. Silently I feel dumb.





art courtesy of layoutsparks