Erased and Paraphrased

Missing You by John Waite

Silent thoughts of sadness crept-in as I realized that I am alone... not that I wanted to, but it seemed to be the most sane idea of a compromise that I can figure out.  To sit alone with my thoughts as I stare at my screen knowing I have other things to do for the day.

My mind wanders off to distant memories and text messages I used to send knowing that you'd somehow send something in return... days when I shared breakfasts and thoughts with you.  Not that I wouldn't want to do it all over again but it scares me now that I don't know if you'd appreciate the meaningless exchange of nothings of the now turned empty conversations which has become always cautious.  If I were to dream and wish something this very moment... it would be that you'd hold my hands in silence making me understand what I meant to you, if at all.

I remembered how you made me cry for something as crazy as your asthma attack and how you forced me to wear those headphones just so I wont hear how bad the wheezing turned out.  That made me feel that cared enough to shield me from my fear and I miss that moment because now I am starting to not know you anymore from that distant and fading memory.

I remembered how you recalled the happiest moment we ever had, you said was the time I had to cuddle and rest my head on your chest... the first embrace, the time that you and I decided just to be in that moment together.  Remembering the rhythm of your heart in each waking moment I curl my self to sleep... perhaps to dream of that moment once more--in the comfort of your arms I'd chase my nightmares away.

Now, I look at my phone and scroll down in search of your name and opening an inbox of yesterdays while I shared breakfast with my spoon and fork--mindlessly chewing my thoughts.  Hesitating, if I'd send the message I just composed out of whim just to let you know what I was thinking... I had to read it once over, erased and paraphrased until I ended up with not a single word and finally deciding not to send it at all.  My fingers weed through my inbox as it used to be filled with messages of you but now... I wonder why I kept this phone when I can just get a cheap alarm clock.

As I write in search of that period to end this mindless reverie, I can't help my eyes as they tear up... I thought, just a hopeful sigh of a thought... how happy I was.  I wanted you to be happy regardless if it meant without me in it.  I just want to hear you laugh honestly again and smile as carefree as your grin.  Shamefully I want to be happy too.  If only we could just be happy again... together.

Then I pressed send.  The message flew across but I don't know if you got it or not... or whether it even mattered.