The Birth

 born circa 01.2012

HAPPY NEW YEAR

iSpeak

iSpeak

with purple streaks of joy

and scarlet red of pain

iSpeak 

of dreams and curiosity,

of colors and hope

Our Warm & Silent Symmetry

I was wondering a day ago if you are okay and sometimes it pains me to no end that I would never be able to ask you that as I would have because the feelings still scare me.  This I pray though: that you may find the Love which you seek and be blessed with the Peace that you so desire.

Higher Window by Josh Groban

Spell

Your whole life you'll always be saying goodbye. 
Don't let that keep you from loving.

The couch was warm and generous as I watched two bodies lost in a conversation and visceral hunger, t'was a story of longing and sorts, then I drifted to sleep. The clicking of the fan and an empty screen woke me up from the edge of sleep filled with random pictures of memories so fleeting.  The credits have rolled with a dash of a Spanish sonata and the movie has ended.

Three months on the same day, the 10th... I may not be able to say it like I would have wanted but know that I still do. Maybe I'll just keep it at that. 

I never turned into a whore like I thought I would.

Life has been kind. 

Spell 
Marie Digby

About LOVE and what matters

How to Tell if Somebody Loves You 

Ryan OConnell

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don’t love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call you out on your bullshit. They’re not passive, they don’t just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren’t passive observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and the things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! I like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want you to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn’t benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms with the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they give you oral sex without expecting anything back. Somebody loves you if they don’t care about your job or how much money you make. It’s a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they’ll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they’re able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and your job and family and friends. Just you and them.

Somebody will always love you. If you don’t think this is true, then you’re not paying close enough attention.

Next to You

A Cup

Realize

Rain

Walking past an empty avenue where street lamps and neon lights cast a harsh glow, one lonely rainy night  and yes the moon never came.  It was as sad and lifeless  as I stood there motionless waiting, gasping for air hoping that in my mindless reverie the rain would be a distraction and beat  me to obedience and shudder. I was the stubborn one, unwavering to a point of annoyance, waiting to be finally understood.  So there I was... numb, almost lifeless if not for breathing.  Soaking in the pittance of rain, feigning a smile while the rain tasted like tears as they fell from my eyes.  I turned around with my hands in my pocket searching for the comfort in the ragged edges of the key to a home just beyond the corner of my imaginings, I cant always run away...

Warm Hugs

Erased and Paraphrased

Missing You by John Waite

Silent thoughts of sadness crept-in as I realized that I am alone... not that I wanted to, but it seemed to be the most sane idea of a compromise that I can figure out.  To sit alone with my thoughts as I stare at my screen knowing I have other things to do for the day.

My mind wanders off to distant memories and text messages I used to send knowing that you'd somehow send something in return... days when I shared breakfasts and thoughts with you.  Not that I wouldn't want to do it all over again but it scares me now that I don't know if you'd appreciate the meaningless exchange of nothings of the now turned empty conversations which has become always cautious.  If I were to dream and wish something this very moment... it would be that you'd hold my hands in silence making me understand what I meant to you, if at all.

I remembered how you made me cry for something as crazy as your asthma attack and how you forced me to wear those headphones just so I wont hear how bad the wheezing turned out.  That made me feel that cared enough to shield me from my fear and I miss that moment because now I am starting to not know you anymore from that distant and fading memory.

I remembered how you recalled the happiest moment we ever had, you said was the time I had to cuddle and rest my head on your chest... the first embrace, the time that you and I decided just to be in that moment together.  Remembering the rhythm of your heart in each waking moment I curl my self to sleep... perhaps to dream of that moment once more--in the comfort of your arms I'd chase my nightmares away.

Now, I look at my phone and scroll down in search of your name and opening an inbox of yesterdays while I shared breakfast with my spoon and fork--mindlessly chewing my thoughts.  Hesitating, if I'd send the message I just composed out of whim just to let you know what I was thinking... I had to read it once over, erased and paraphrased until I ended up with not a single word and finally deciding not to send it at all.  My fingers weed through my inbox as it used to be filled with messages of you but now... I wonder why I kept this phone when I can just get a cheap alarm clock.

As I write in search of that period to end this mindless reverie, I can't help my eyes as they tear up... I thought, just a hopeful sigh of a thought... how happy I was.  I wanted you to be happy regardless if it meant without me in it.  I just want to hear you laugh honestly again and smile as carefree as your grin.  Shamefully I want to be happy too.  If only we could just be happy again... together.

Then I pressed send.  The message flew across but I don't know if you got it or not... or whether it even mattered.

Promises

If you were to promise yourself something you have to keep it no matter what...

                                                                                                  photo by: Vassilis Tangoulis

HEART

If It Kills Me Jason Mraz  

If I should be so bold, I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.

Colored Hands

Let Go  YOSHIKA feat m-flo

 

My calloused hands are soiled of ocre and sunshine with a tears of blood trying to hide behind the green curtain of uncertainty. A secret union of colors almost forgotten and faded stuck somewhere in the corner of my mind, I keep like a stash of stardust for the rainy days. My hands out-stretched and I let go.

Someday

Oasis - Champaign Super Nova

NUMB

Torley- Kingdom Hears (Piano Passion)

I was reading through the neglected stack of books that have been standing by the doorway waiting to be rediscovered... just by corner of my room.  From one book to another I philandered like a restless whore.   As I turn from pages to pages wandering aimlessly the words jump out like travelers from distant past and all I can make out of them are gibberish, an almost stutter of a pantomime.

Phrases were marching along with question marks and colorful exclamation points peppered with commas and periods in between.  I couldn't understand them and I feel numb.

I was hoping the books would amuse me. Silently I feel dumb.





art courtesy of layoutsparks

Words

Come on Get Higher
Matt Nathanson

Its difficult when I can no longer say what I really mean because the knowing has scarred me.  To deal with my thoughts, I suffocate but  I try to breathe.  Gasping for moments, cautiously and silently listening to my heartbeat. 

When spoken words are scarce and silence abound, music hopefully fills in for whatever is lost in translation.  Me thinks, when you miss someone, you don't miss them in parts.  You  miss everything about them.

Strings of thoughts and melodies woven by longing so great that it hurts.  When "missing" becomes "longing".  And when words become kisses...  I ache.

TOUCH

Any Other World
MIKA

Touch, calloused, smooth and tentative.  Holding, no... almost groping, wanting to feel the warmth of your skin as I drunk the scent of your silence.  No words can escape the thoughts of my lingering hands as I run my fingers across like moist kisses on abandon tracing the contours of your body with each fingers craving and longing. 

To touch, to be held in comfort. 

 

Photo courtesy of: Beam Consumido

Letter

PARACHUTE 
 Sean Lennon

 

Four years back someone sent me this note:

"I just want to leave this message in case that you are ready to read the messages that I sent you offline..."

"Love is a part of us all that we choose to give and no one can force us to love. I can't blame and force you to love me like I wanted you too.  But remember that someone out there... someone will love you like no other; your parents, siblings, friends and those that stay in the shadows hoping the best for you. They hurt as well when you hurt but we have to show a brave face to let you know that we are around no matter what."

"In those moments you thought you were alone, you never were. You have been loved.  Yes, we all hurt, then we heal, then we reach out, we believe and then we love again. This time around may it be a lesson: we meet people half way, we don't go changing for someone,we retain who we are."

"And if the Love that we are looking for comes around the bend we try to be the right person because there is never the Right Person."

"We make things happen... everything is but a choice. Love is not taught, love comes with no introductions. So never say you'd never love again because you know deep inside you would and one day that LOVE would be true."

Why the hell am I posting this for?  Relevance, I guess.
You know you love me. ;o)

Distant

You were staring at that distant wall where waves crash and take its turn. On that horizon you were looking for something or maybe waiting for someone...either which I do not know. I too was lost in the waves scanning the horizon as far as my blind eyes can take me.

I was secretly hoping you'd turn around and see me there, or perhaps notice that I see you--so you would stop searching. I was asking the waves to bring me your eyes so I can see what my blind eyes can not. Alas, the waves can only kiss the sand and go back to where-ever it came from. It too can not help me see nor cheat what your private thoughts confess.

And then you turned around and walked away.

-----
 I stood there staring at the distant wall where waves crash and take its turn.  I was waiting for you to say something and turn your gaze towards me.  You seem lost as I am, but you just stood there.  I had to turn and walk away.


-----
I saw them from a distance.  They were watching the tides roll towards the evening sky. From where I am, I can see him looking over his shoulder and his eyes where filled with words his mouth can not say... then he looked up as if in prayer.  And then I realized... they were just a breath apart, but not one nor the other could reach out and take that chance.  Later did I realize they were alone.


I stood there as I am.

I AM REASON ENOUGH

I woke up thinking...today I will remember.

For whatever its worth, I am reason enough.  A good friend once told me over coffee, "You use to hit the gym, right?" Me says, "Yeah, that was way back." "What happened?", he asked.  "Don't really have any more reason to." He blurted,"YOURSELF, is reason enough."  

And I could not agree more.

Getting lost can help you find yourself.  Don't be afraid to let go. Don't be scared of the uncertain and the unknown... all of them are worth discovering. In the moment of your grief and sadness, I pray you take a pocketful of sunshine filled to the brim with happy memories. Just hold  to those memories and remember the warmth because those memories you can keep forever.  People change and leave you behind with question marks and scars in between but always remember:  Other than those that matter, YOURSELF is always reason enough.

When you are sad remember, today is a new day.  Memories are waiting to be created, smile more often, laugh and be carefree because at the end of the day YOU are reason enough to be happy.  Celebrate life, there is a lot of time to be dead later on.

Heres to life. Take that plunge... Cheers!

 

 

KAHIT WALANG SABIHIN

I am not really a fan of IMMORTAL but when Rico posted this on his wall on a social site I figured this song is just genius. The lyrics well crafted and haunting. The video was well directed by no other than Richard V. Somes. Over-all it had that cryptic-gothic-Rizal-version vampire-esque feel on it.  

The lyrics tell so much about a love repressed that even if no words were used to tell its tale, you can feel it pulse through your being--it runs and courses through your veins and it hurts in each heaving breath. Even on the whole pretend that we don't care enough because we are hurting... deep inside we long for that moment to touch once again the warmth of the skin that has consumed you with longing.

Sigh...

Listen to it and know what I mean.

Kahit Walang Sabihin
Rico Blanco

Muling Kakagat
Ang Hating Gabi
Magigising
Ang Panaginip
Bawat Mithing Naidlip
Daliang babangon

Kahit walang Sabihin
Maririnig Ang Damdamin
Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman
Sa Ilalim ng Buwan

Muling Haplusin
Apoy ng katawan
Marahang ipikit
Ang iyong kamalayan
Bawat patak ng dugo
Muling aalon

Kahit walang aminin
Madarama sa hangin
Ang Tibok ng Pusong
May Pagibig Ng
Higit Sa walang hanggan

Kahit walang Sabihin
Maririnig Ang Damdamin
Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman
Sa Ilalim ng Buwan

Kahit walang aminin
Madarama sa hangin
Ang Tibok ng Pusong
May Pagibig Ng
Higit Sa walang hanggan

Hanggang

Maghihimagsik
na Dugo at Laman

Lips

Found this article in google and I think this is really interesting.  I use to tell someone that each time he gives me that smile I kind of feel like he is up to something.  This whole write up made me think of the good times... made me smile in some way.  Check the list out, it may help you read your guy's lips.

He’s Smirking
When the corners of a guy’s mouth pull back and up, it can look like a douchey sneer. But surprisingly, it means he wants to smile, but he’s feeling self-conscious. It’s harder for men to show positive emotions, so this mini smile is his “controlled” version of a big grin.

His Pout Is Pursed
He probably has bad news — like he dented your car or can’t make it to your BFF’s party. A scrunched-up pucker and tension around his lips are signs he is struggling to force out the words.

He Covers His Mouth With His Palm
Something (you?) is making him nervous! Touching himself is a form of self-soothing, and briefly shielding his lips shows he’s feeling too tongue-tied to speak.

He Bites His Lip
Yeah, baby, he’s hot for you. Chewing is what we do to something yummy, so he’s subconsciously nibbling his lips, imagining putting them on yours.

SOURCES: Body-Language Expert Lillian Glass, Ph.D; Body-Language Expert Audrey Nelson, Ph.D, Co-author of Code Switching: How to Talk So Men Listen

Special Thanks: 102.1 WDOK

Today I...

Remember
Thoughts, they run
My feet are tired.
I rest.

My eyes are teary
I sleep.
I dream.

I wish...

How to be Alone

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

By: Tanya Davis






Sigh...

Porn Kiss

 How does this make you feel?

Someone sent me this, so what do you think? Don't be shy... lets keep it real. Porn is suppose to turn you on. But is there ever a point when it doesn't help?  Is there ever a moment that when you see this, you see a picture of that person you wish was beside you reading this waste of a blog?  When you see something as graphic as this, does it makes you cry and long for that someone special?   

I find this kiss erotic, so full of longing.  The desire to taste is evident, the need is so graphically portrayed in its most visceral form--a kiss... a PORN KISS. 

Kiss that person you wish to and not regret.  Its our only way of telling what words can never say right. Just go and kiss that special someone.  

Mo(a)nday

Oh well... how is a Monday like for me:

1. Meetings
2. Bosses either nag, pull my legs, or disregard me (the latter I prefer)
3. Time is so fast I can barely concentrate
4. Manic as it already is, coffee needs multiple refills
5. After a Monday's work a Man can help ease things out and chill (LOL)
6. Beer comes after
7. Draining but its a good jump-start for the week, normally ends on a Wednesday (I work on weekends, looser.)
8. Time to deal with last week's data (this can come as a shock or a relief)
9. Time of the week where bitch mode activates
10. Fake smile gets glued on the face with a dumb eyes nodding in agreement
11. Secretly hoping that I can just leave work earlier without people noticing
12. Monday's like a box you just have to get out
13. Its just another day in a week that gets me nearer to the next one
14. Monday sucks like every other day (smirk)
15. You guessed it! Its pointless to define Monday when you have to rush to work like... right now.


This video for you to think about:


When Monday is over, I'd like to disagree more.
Good vibes!

Anything

When someone asks you to jump. You'd often wonder, why.

There would be a time in your life no matter how sure you are that you wouldn't just jump. 

Out of no where you'd say "How high, do you want me to jump?"

I was just sick for a few days... this "thought" just keeps haunting me while Grenade is playing at the background. Sometimes the thought itself makes me want to puke, but I guess there would be people that would come into your life that you would just do almost anything to make them happy.  Selfish as I am I never thought I would be like that... but I guess I was. 

Squared

What's a Square


It contains the empty parts from within and without
It makes both empty spaces whole
It's when one defines that each sides are equal
A square is a shape of us... bound from within and without

So what's a Square For?




Honestly
Jackie Boyz

Were a long long way from the people we use to be
And your long way past taking the chance on me
And the shadows of doubt have all faded out
And made it so easy to see

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly
Honestly

I had to confess its all because of you
You showed me how to live in the simple truth
Where else do you go when you know that you know
After everything we've been through

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly
What more could I need but your love and effection that you gave to selflessly
Honestly
Ohhh yeaah
Ohhh

Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly im yours
Finally im sure
Eh im where I belong and baby your all that I need
Honestly

Happy Thoughts

Click Here
Thanks Rik!

Randomness

Lets Pause on the Drama and check out what's out there.

"Hold It Against Me" - Britney Spears (Sam Tsui Cover)

Jar Of Hearts-Christina Perri (Sam Tsui Cover)

Its not obvious that I am a fan of whatever-Sam-Tsui (although this guy always oversings it, I kind of like it... so much emotion it oozes on the speakers).

I never liked chicken feet, looks gross! 

Breadtalk, no talk just eat!

Can you imagine how much butter is in it? Munch... munch... I dunno, ask my tummy.

Green tastes nice sans the puking after.

Soulmates... good read.

Boots in her moment of clarity! :P

The sea never ceases to make me smile however sad I am.

It sparkles like pretty!

Held this gun, it was cold as it was scary.

 I figured I still like girls half of the time.

Oh them shoes are sexy or its just the Bacardi talking.

My cup of coffee, too pretty to drink...

That's it for now. Chill <3

Snippets and Thoughts

Ever found yourself engrossed by the whole idea that you have lost yourself in the process of thinking about someone who matters to you? Caught yourself teary eyed as you walk past places you both have shared memories and tales of persuasion?

I have.

Life is peppered with bits and pieces of memories that keeps us sane in this insane and pious world. Spiced up with memories that we can always hold on to. Moments that we play over and over again in our minds... a perpetual playback of that one kiss, that one smile, that one phone call and that split second realization that you have found that one person you were looking for all along. It maybe harsh but the truth is... we live by those moments and when people change there is nothing left to do but remember.

I did.

Did you ever think that you were alone on those moments of confusion as you are not sure how come it feels so right when it should be wrong? We all take that chance. I have read it somewhere when one asked, "Did you regret us?" "I miss a lot of things" he said. "But I never did, if I never embraced us... I'd miss you."

I was there.

I figured I needed to build my defenses once more--the one I tore down for you. I can never be needy and pathetic, I can not be naked and vulnerable. I can not let my self get lost in the process of loving nor caring. Surely, now I miss and I cant even say it straight faced. Why? That I don't know because I needed you.

I still do.

Know that in those moments of grief as you lay in bed with your eyes wide open hoping and waiting you would be remembered, you have been. Close your eyes and grab that pillow, cry if you must...

I do.

Trust that in your silence, peace would bring you hope. If they are not able to give you back that love you deserve that doesn't mean they don't care enough but maybe because they just don't know how to.

Be at peace with the love that you give and don't expect anything in return. Do not be afraid to love because you have love to give.

I will.

There maybe tomorrow or the next day after that. The rest of the tale only time can tell.

5:19
Matt Wertz

I Will...

I have been unfair to myself and to others.  To a friend, to a lover and to another.  The other day when I woke up, I realized it was just not me.  I am starting to loose a friend.

So I have decided to leave for awhile, soon...

To mend broken expectations, inclinations and and to face the fear--that which has consumed the pocket full of sunshine that I once kept for myself.

To be whole again, to be happy for me... and to find the strength and the courage to want that which lasts.

I will...

I will always be sorry... but I will always smile at the thought, whatever it was I will treasure...

I will smile again...

I may not be able to say it again to you, but know this--when you see it in my eyes, you would know it.

To a friend.

Come On Get Higher

Matt Nathanson

Thus, iSpeak.

After the RAIN, iSpeak

I was here. I never left in the first place. I thought I lost it, but guess what I was just healing, quite a hiatus I must say.  A lot has happened since THE RAIN...  The story will continue...

I just needed the break, to heal and to smile and learn to appreciate the hum drum of the buzzing crucible of life filled with anecdotes and question marks.  It has always been the journey, now I sit down and write.  GOD, can we stop and talk awhile.

After the rain, it drizzles down to a whisper... listen for awhile.

Champagne Supernova
Oasis

SEED

Live Journal Entry circa: May 21st, 2004

view from the outside...

I felt the trickling downpour of the rain, I lay on the soil with my body strewn on the ground naked. I could feel my senses turning numb from the unyielding needle like sensation prickling on my skin--like ice and fire brought down from heaven to burn and to chill me, both at the same time.

It was with natural reaction that I spread my hands above my head concealing my face from the troubled sky, I wanted to hide and seek refuge. But I found no one... I found nothing that could shelter me from this...this...excruciating pain that I feel.

I curled myself in remorse I huddled and cried out loud...but I could not hear my self. I was starting to loose my strength and later I knew I have no other option but to feel the pain and bow myself on the ground humbled by the thought that I knew not how to live.

Drift...

Drift...

Drift...

I opened my eyes tired from shutting them out from the reality, tired of crying out my tears, tired of how it feels. Little by little I stood up on my shaky feet with my eyes staring at the calloused feet I had from the struggle. I stood like a ravished piece of creature left alone on the center of some quite and desolate place. I steadied myself, and with courage I planted my feet on this ground that has kept me since.

I opened my eyes, I breathed, and I lived because... I have to.